I Posted This On A Myspace Bulletin.

I felt guilty just turning on my bathroom light Sad for all the little kids who don't get the chance to use all the things I do.So yeah, I may be absolutely "retarded" when I talk about moving to a poorer country to do what I love[Help People]But at least I'll be doing something wholly efficient and good with my life.While you might be doing something just because its what your parents wanted you to.:]Not like I'm dissing parents or anything, they always want better for their offspring, but let us do what we want. Ok?I'm not in a very good mood.I can officially say I was in an abusive bf/gf relationship.It's not good.So if he tells you that you can't break up with him, drop him like he's hot and get out of there.You might just be a little crazier, like I am right now.Not to mention, my head hurts like a motherfo.Did I tell you about my friends?CheniseMirandaStephanieAngelRenataMalloryMan, oh man, are they fantastic.Even when I am pissy, or even whining and especially when I'm crying when I say nothing's wrong.

So yeah I'm kinda lazy.
But I'll summarize a little more.
I've tried to keep from having horrible headaches,
But one caught up just now.
I'll be alright, I think.

Wanna Know The Answers

Le Le Low.
Yeah lifes a little bit sad right now.
Friends, family, school are stressing me out.
But I've got something a little more interesting to speak about today.
That would be something that Sandra posted a bulletin about.
Which is basically (as I interpreted it) how stupid we are, and at the same time lucky to have what we have.
I felt bad when I went to use to the toilet and turned on the light and looked in my hugggee mirror turned on my stereo and sat on the toilet.
Most people in the world don't waste shit the way we do. Yet I don't usually go a night without plugging something in to charge or leaving my stereo on or something that really isn't necessary for me to survive.
So I'm pretty guilty of being a stubborn, person who's having use of things that I don't actually need.
Which reinstates me wanting to get out of here ASAP.
I want to go to a place where I don't know anyone, and help people.
Anyway I can, whether it be doing hair, volunteering, etc.
Yeah.

Well, That Was A Big Argument.

Sooo Yeah. I was in a really good mood after telling Gerson off (yaah! he still called for the past two nights but whatever) so I was going to my room and I overhear stuff my mom is saying to some guy on the phone. It upset me. Shes all "I know it's just hard for me, but I know I have to let her go, she'll be gone in like two yrs, etc."
But what really made me mad was "Yeah don't worry I don't mind you moving in with me."
I was dumbfounded.
ABSOLUTELY DUMB-FOUNDED.
So I walked right in and told her I needed to talk to her.
She took her own little time getting off the phone. Fifteen minutes later I'm trying to explain things to her, etc, and I get mad, she gets mad. It was bad.
Lol.
I was crying, telling her how much I hate her, telling her I just wanna leave.
Man. Yeah it was bad.

I don't even feel bad
That's prolly just be being selfish or something I dunno.
And then with Gerson... he called Friday night asking me to come over. Then he passed the phone to Cassandra. Then he got back on the phone and everytime he was like basically almost yelling at me, she didn't even say anything.
I was like well damn fuck you too.
Then she's talking about how I should come visit her, even though she doesn't even bother to call me.
Wtf is up with that?
So I dnno I'm highly ready to blow right about now.
Good thing after this week, no school for a week.
:)
Bye

Espera

I just need to reassure I'm not giving in to pressure everytime something happens to me. Well... I know that I do, but I just need to lie to myself to get myself to believe I'm not "such a sucker for a sweet talker".
By the way, the photo is to remind myself that no matter how many people say I'm "not their type" or that I'm "not pretty", their minds are so utterly warped by televised views of how people should look that it doesn't even matter anymore how much I feel makeup I feel like I should wear (I DO LOVE MAKEUP THOUGH AND I WONT STOP WEARING IT FOR ANYONE!!!), or how much weight I should lose (I'm happy with my weight, get over it), I'll be happier without the people (guys especially) who don't accept me for my faults, etc.
I'm not sure if that made sense... but I feel fine about it.
Sooooo.
My day was actually really good. But (uh ohhh "BUT" lol) I got pretty pissy when I got home. Unless the past couple days when I've been kind of pissy feeling at school and then come home and feel great.
But yeaaah.
I'm ready to be done with high school haha. I want to "get away" and find my calling. Live my life ya know. (Good 'ole American Eagle)

I wish my mom weren't so opposed to me getting a GED and stuff. But I know I could always run off to Mexico and not be found.. and just like appear back here one day to let them (family) know I'm alright. But I don't wouldn't want to hurt my family that much. That's waaay to much for me.

I spent like two hours talking to some guy in NY last night. He kinda scared me. His laugh was absolutely obnoxious. I don't know if I'd be able to listen to that every other night. Lol. It's pretty sad.

Anyways I'm gona get going.
Guys and Dolls tomorrow afternoon.

I Ain't Found One Quite Right Yet.

& lisa don't mind when I call her lesley.

I swear to god I'm in the worst mood ever.
I'm bored and lonely
[abburida y sola]
Andd what else? I've not been speaking to my mom, for her sake. I swear if she says anything else that pisses me off I'll just do what I always do, which is say something really smart and then lock myself up in my room.

So I just am refusing to speak.
At least I did my "Antony's Funeral Oration" thingy in front of class, and didn't mess up too badly (I missed three words "Bear with me") I even was like "O JUDGEMENT!!!" with much enthusiasm.
So I got a 98.
Yaay A+
I'm ready to go travel the world.

Ehhhhhhh

I don't want to catch anything from my mom.
Whatever it is.. it smells funny.

Dame Un Opporunidad

Dame todo lo que tengas.
Today was okay. I've been tired and braiding my hair but it turned out good.
Jasmin is supposed to call me to call that guy to try and get a hold of Cassandra.
I'm still pissed about her never giving me a call or whatever since she knows that guys gonna hang up on me whenever I try, but whatev.

Gerson still calls me and says, "I ♥ you babe."
It's kind of annoying because afterward he says he'll call me later.

Whatever

Scratch That Happiness Shit.

Kind of anyway.
I love playing with people after they've fucked me over.
To to begin with.. I haven't really left my neighborhood since Friday.
I told Gerson I'd go to 2009 with some friends. Turns out he'd made plans to go too. Haha.. that's where it all started. After I gave him my (now all this week-daily) talk about how I want to break it off with him, he sounded all sad and shit. I was all happy and peppy and everything. LOL.
He's been standing outside for a good half an hour "waiting for me". I told him I had to go home because my "friend" (nonexistant) is sick from drinking too much.
Hahahahhaa. Too bad beeeeyoooooooootch.

Formal aka the Gayest Prom Ever

Good thing I'm not going. I was going to, don't get me wrong, I wanted to, but I really don't want to anymore.
So it's good that I didn't buy a dress and ticket.

I called Gerson to finally put an end to my misery. He was working and was "on the stairs" so he wants to "talk later".
He said he'll call me when he gets home.
We'll see about that.
Otherwise... what about today? What am I going to do?
I already put up pictures from my newly torn-up magazine (one of my favorite things to do lol).. Checked just say hi (3 messages from cool peoples)..
I washed my hair last night because I can't use that hair dye. My hair is relaxed and at the time straightened with a flat iron too. Haha two "no's".
So...
Oh yeah Thursday Mrs. Kline (yearbook adviser/teacher) gave me an email from my (hopefull) teacher next year for yearbook, Mrs. Lint, that said to pass on to me some information about a publications camp this July in Downtown Dallas. Sounds fun. Mom said I can go. :-)
THOSE SHOES ARE MYYNEEEE BETCH
Haha I love Kelly. And shoes.
But back to today... I can straighten my hair and style it. And take pictures.
Lol. Funnnn. Oh yeah and guess who's eating Soprano's tonight?
Erinnnnnnn
:-)
I'm actually happy for a change this week.

I Should Be A Maneater.

Then maybe sometimes I wouldn't be so pissed off at them all the time. :)

I've been meeting some pretty cool guys and gals on just say hi though. That's a fantastic website.
So I was pretty pissed at my mom this morning.
She sent 60 bucks to some guy in north carolina... or New york whatever.
WTF is that about???? I dunno but she didn't want to hear what I had to say.
Then she bought me everything I asked for.
Haha. Gosh I'm so superficial.
I can't help that I can be conned. But as you can see, I'm still not over the fact that she cannot spot some type of scam when she's in one.
Oh well. That's gonna be her loss when something happens and he "needs more money for a bill" or something.
Lol.
Otherwise my day went well. Like I said I spent a small fortune. A small piece of her fortune anyway.
I FINALLY GOT A ROBE!
HALLELEUJAH!
Professional hair styling products, etc.
Got my blood take
Fun.
But yeah anyways I'm tired.
NIIGHT
Fun.

I Really Need Someone To Talk To.

But I don't really have many friends here... just lots of really cool acquaintances. Acquaintances are fine... but they can't give you the support you may need when times are rough.
Which is why I really miss Richardson..
Anyways... the "boyfriend drama"
Called him last night to see what was up. I guess he still wants to be with me. I do want to be with him too... but if he's got some lover on the side- why can't I have something on the side?
Exactly. That's one-sided and unfair.
I guess I'll talk to him later about it. I'd rather just be single again. Waaay easier.
So let me give insight to how weekends with him go.
Saturday: I spend most of my day (when the sun's up) getting ready.
He calls when he's outside.
I get in and say hi to anyone who's in the car. Talk and stuff. He always lays his head in my lap or whatever he feels like doing. We might make a couple stops or whatever. If we don't go to 2009 we'll go to his house and watch movies and eat and stuff. Then after all thats over whoever is with us in his house will leave. We might talk for like a little while and then hes ready to get down to business.
Then in the morning hes awake and ready to kind of rush me home asap.

Damn I'm stupid aren't I? It's like I'm a call-girl or something. He doesn't really want anything with me.

Brakin' Up

So I'm kind of messed up right now.
I called him earlier and he answered, he called me around 5 and I answered. I texted him almost half an hour ago and he doesn't answer. I dunno. I kind of am trying to give up now..
Man I feel like I don't have friends. It hurts a lot.
Cassandra called me yesterday.. I don't think I mentioned this. They went to like Cici's or something for her birthday or whatever. Shes all "Yeah I'm going to go get you.. depending on when they leave." I got ready... like 30 minutes pass and I'm like well damn. So I call the number she called me from and it's that ASSHOLE Canuco and he hangs up on me. So I call Luis and I'm like "where are you at"? He says hes on his way to Cici's. So I asked where the hell Cassy was and guess what he says? She's right here u wanna talk to her?
WTF
What the hell happened to me and her going to get something to eat? It pisses me off so badly. She could have called and been like, "Well I can't come get you because they're coming with me or something."
Feel like giving up on her too.
Now Luis isn't even answering me.
It's not even worth it anymore. I keep having suicidal thoughts in my head because whenever I try to help people (not like I'm helping any of them or anything but.. unspecifically) I get fucked over (so not by the same people but I definitely get fucked over)
All I am to those fuckers is a piece of meat.
And for my actions, that's how I deserve to be treated.


I Did It To Myself
Current mood: enraged
I Did This To Myself.
Yepthats my own conclusion.I put up with his shit, which enticed him to do more shit. And I kept putting up with it.I feel like giving up. Just totally not calling him or anything. Dropping it.The problem is.. I still have feelings for him.
I don't understand what his freaking problem is. Who keeps a girlfriend in a whole different country when you don't know when you'll be going back? Who is stupid enough not to delete the freaking messages she leaves you? Who's retarded enough to keep letters exchanged between you next to where your current girlfriend [who actually is a couple miles away instead of a thousand] ALWAYS sits? At least be kind and hide them.
Why did I say be kind? Because honestly, I'd rather not have known. It hurts alot to know that he was borderline not caring whether I found out or not. & he won't even admit that she exists which makes me look crazy.
What's wrong with me? I already know my faults, but I didn't think those would interfere with anything. Why ask me to be your girlfriend if you're going to hide things from me?
The thing that hurts me the most is that... on the inside I knew, but I wouldn't admit it. Then the second thing that hurts alot is that he doesn't even want to talk to me about it.So I give up.

I Did This To Myself.

Yep
thats my own conclusion.
I put up with his shit, which enticed him to do more shit. And I kept putting up with it.
I feel like giving up. Just totally not calling him or anything. Dropping it.

The problem is.. I still have feelings for him.

I Don't Know What To Do.

So let it be known that right now I feel like bawling... but I've kept it down to regular crying.
I thought I could make him a better person. I thought he would stop treating me badly. I'm sad because I did all of this to myself.
My so-called "need" or "want" or whatever for a guy to hold me took over my senses for a good amount of time. Enough time to get hurt. I don't even have anyone to listen to me.
Why do I do these things to myself?? Why am I so stupid??

I Wasn't Prepared For This..

My boyfriend's friend, Luis called me at 3am last night to try and fuck and when I said no, he told me my boyfriend didn't want anything to do with me. He just wants to fuck around.
I almost started crying when he said this. It's really sad, but I'd prefer if he hadn't had told me that. He also said that he had some other girl waiting on him in Guatemala. Which is weird [definitely] because my bf was telling me how (already) he wants to casar and go back to Guatemala and stuff. So if what Luis is saying is true, he's either totally lying, or he's going to use me to get back and then leave me.
Actually scratch that, try to marry me, impregnate me, use me to get back to Guatemala and then leave me.
Shiiiet.
So now this afternoon... I'm going to test my bf to figure out of Luis was telling the truth.
I don't really know what I'm going to do yet... but.. we'll see.
Wish me luck. God I hate luis right now.

Punk!

This week has been completely psycho.
Not as psycho as last week with the whole preggy scare everything, but it's been good psycho.
With yearbook I kind of helped to save a lot of peoples asses because they wouldn't get their butts up and take some pictures.
But then... last night. My boyfriend wasn't making me happy. He's completely..... well his mind is totally sex driven.
It kinda makes me sick, but I do ♥ him.
So guess what I'm doing tomorrow
lol.

Peaceout

Myspace Post

It's totally like don't ask/don't tell.Not with the same circumstances, though.I want to tell her how I feel, but she won't hear it.If I had a 16 going on 17 year old kid [whos waaay independent and intelligent btw] I'd listen to what she has to say.
Anyone know what I should do?

edited 2/4/07 1021P
Lalallaalaohhhhhh ohhhhhhhHHHhH
Hoong kong garden
Oh Oh ohhHHh
I've been listening to this all day..except when I was doing homework and listening to Prince during the half-time show.
I absolutely adore the colts more than ever noww.
:)
I talked to my mom about her "not trusting me". I totally got her to change her mind about her thinking that she doesn't trust me. I'm going out next weekend lol.
Luis is gonna come get me Friday prolly. :)
Started Birth Control this morning. Got kind of confused about the directions... but it's fine now I guess.. But I'm not going to have unprotected sex. So in other words, we're still gonna use condoms.
I have to go in tomorrow morning for Spanish recaps of Spanish Art. HOW EXCITING.

The story on my "best friend' Cassandra.
She's 15, or 16 now I don't remember... well her birthday's prolly passed by now.. well not yet I just remembered its the 12th. She was supposed to call me like two weekends ago. She was living with Canuco and her 17 (or however old he is) boyfriend and her little girl, Carina. I really didn't think it was a good idea. Hionjer doesn't have a job, nor a car, nor do I think he's looking for one. They're both too young. I would help her. She knows I would. I mean duhh what are friends for? But how the hell am I supposed to lend a helping hand to her and her baby if I don't have a clue of where she is?
So I don't know, I'm close to giving up because it's pissing me off.
"Cmon kid don't waste my time
So rich, So Pretty."
Mickey Avalon's So Rich, So Pretty is like the anthem of my life.
Not really.. but I act like it sometimes.


I like a girl with caked up makeup. In the sunshine, smoking cigarettes to pass the time. Who wakes up to a bottle of wine. Or the nice dim lights and scratches the blinds. But i ain't quite found one right yet. So I step with pep to the park or supermarket it. Her apartment best be messy. And Lisa don't mind when i call her Lesley. She's gotta dress with class. In Jean Paul Gaultier and an Hermes bag. And 4 inch tips made of ostrich. Sharp enough to slit your wrists, her lips spread gossip. Won't say sorry when she offends. She comes over to my place in her old man's Benz. In gold and silver and jewels of all colors. She doesn't take them off when we're tearing up the covers. Come on get it 'fore I change my mind. Come on kid don't waste my time. So rich, so pretty The best piece of ass in this whole damn city. So rich, so pretty I like a girl who eats and brings it up. A sassy little frassy with bulimia. Her best friend's a plastic surgeon. and when her Beamers in the shop she rolls the Benz. Manny and Pettys on Sundays and Wednesdays Money from mommy, lovely in versace. Costly sprees it's on at Barneys. And i love to watch her go thru 50 G's calmly. She gets naughty with her pilate's body. And thinks it's really funny when her nose goes bloody. Cuz the blows so yummy and it keeps her tummy Empty, and makes her act more friendly. Dance the night away. And she won't say nothing when she makes a man stray. Come on get it 'fore I change my mind. Come on kid don't waste my time. So rich, so pretty Come on get it 'fore I chnage my mind. Come on kid, don't waste my time So rich, so pretty The best piece of ass in this whole damn city. I've had you come before Mickey. Go get my purse Mickey Lock the door Mickey You're just a midnight snack Shhh Don't talk back. You're just a boy Mickey. You're just a toy Mickey. You're just a boy Mickey. Come on get it 'fore I change my mind. Come on kid don't waste my time. So rich, so pretty The best piece of ass in this whole damn city. [So rich, so pretty] x3 The best piece of ass in the whole damn city.

Hong Kong Garden

I really like music like this.
But one thing I really don't like is my mom being all "mom-like" and telling me she doesn't trust me.
It PISSES THE FUCK OUT OF ME.
REALLY BADLY.
I don't even know if I'll be able to be with my boyfriend next weekend.
"You remember what I told you about the trust thing? It's not just going to appear overnight."
So in other words--- I dont trust you, so don't expect to hang out with your friends for a while. I want to ruin your life, and your relationships. I want to control you because I have no life of my own. I don't want you to make stupid mistakes even though I just put you on Birth Control. Obviously I know what I'm doing, even though deep in the depths of my mind I know you want to jump out your bedroom window and run away with your boyfriend. I think cooping you up in your room with Graycee will make you not want to do anything stupid-- even though you're a teen and you're supposed to make stupi decisions. I look at you, and even though you LOOK mad at me, I'll just pretend you're not. I know I'm doing the right thing, so don't try to make me think otherwise.
I swear if I had the nerve I used to have and just get out that window, I'd be in Dallas in a heartbeat.
I should have fucking let her find out on her own and gone to a freaking clinic.

Cover Up With Makeup In The Mirror,

Tell yourself it's never going to happen again..

That's never happened to me (someone beating me or whatnot), but if it ever were to happen, I don't know what I'd do. Probably get away from that person.
Gerson wants me to ride the freakin train down to Dallas and visit him and stay over his house. I don't know if that can happen because I've never ridden the train by myself before, and I can't think of ONE excuse my mom would believe.
So unless he comes to get me, he's going to have to be irritable.
I start my first round of BC pills tomorrow.
:-)
Did I make an entry yesterday? I don't think so.
-So I apologized (kind of) to Jose and he said he didn't accept it. Oh well. He's getting married soon to his gf so... thats okay with me. He'll get over it soon.
-I slipped and fell on a patch of ice, now I'm in pain. My right arm and right kneecap and the front of my right calf are in PAIIIINNN like reallyreallybad.
-I told Jarrett he's like one of my bestests now. Lol He laughed and said "Well at least you aren't saying that for all the wrong reasons. Most girls want to be my bffs for the wrong reason." That means you're not into my for my looks. (Haha yeah right, Mr Hotass) He prolly thinks that because of my boyfriend, but just because I have a boyfriend doesn't mean I don't look at other guys, I just don't act on it.
-My aunt had a guy who wanted me to do his hair, but I didn't have the confidence to do it. The last time I braided my hair, it didn't turn out as good as usual. That's why I haven't done it such a long time.
!
So I don't know, today's kind of like "Whatever happens, happens."
Adiosss I'll write later

edited 2/3/07 250P
My grandmother wrote me an email about how Rick Perry (tx governor) is passing a law to make every school-girl from about the age of 11 get a gardasil vaccine (before they're likely to be sexually active). Gardasil is a vaccine against cervical cancer. I'd have no problem with getting the vaccine. I don't want cervical cancer. But my grandmother said to sign the waiver against it because its 'a ploy for the government to get more money'. So? It probably is, but I'd rather them get more money than die from cervical cancer, which is most likely on the rise.

Sin Explicacion

Besame sin miedo,
Como si fuera ultimo

I lovvveeeeee RBD

---
Just got back from the doctor's office. She's my new one and she's really nice and everything. Pretty easy to talk to and everything. She gave me a prescription for orthotricyclen. So I'm getting it filled tomorrow. Kinda exciting I guess. I'll finally get my fill too.
My boyfriend's on his way back to Austin... he said he'll probably be back by Saturday afternoon.. but I really don't know.
Anyways.. waiting for chinese food right now.

Peaceeeee

EDITED 2/1/07 9:15P
Soooo I'm back. I couldn't leave for the night without writing about the little thing that happened las--- well this morning.
Canuco [Marvin] (one of my boyfriend's friend) called me at like 12 something and was like telling me to come outside so I could go with him so we could """HANGOUT""" yeah rite. He must think I'm retarded little retarded motherfucker. He pisses me off because I don't know how many times I said, "Do you not understand that I have a boyfriend?? Not to mention he's one of your friends! I'm not going anywherrreeee with you unless he's with me." And afterwards he continued on with "ALL THE TIME YOU'RE PLAYING WITH ME!" Haha I neverrrr played with him and not sexually either. He's singleminded. I solely talked to him just to be friends with him because that's the type of person I am. Not to have sex with him, no friends w/benefits crap, nada mas. Only friends! But I guess he misinterpreted me or something. Thats too bad for him I guess.
Oh well. & My bf still hasn't called. It's making me worry.
Nite♥