Molestation, Life

I hate bringing up old memories. But I was reading some women's life experiences.. so I figured I should write a bit about mine.
I guess part of the reason why I'm kind of "messed up" is because of my mom. For the longest time and I have to admit, even now, I blame her for all the things that are wrong with me. She's the one that had me in a broken home, she's the one who stayed with a man for NINE YEARS that wasn't good for her, she did all of this that has lead to a mentally unfocused sixteen-year old girl.
I don't remember much about how it all started but I was told that when I was probably a toddler, my cousin who was maybe 16 at the time started sexually harrassing me. (My family and I found this out when I was 13) I had to be checked for Hepatitis because of this.
Next would be my family convincing me that I was being molested by my mother's commonlaw husband. Honestly, I don't remember. He treated me good most of the time, otherwise it was like a huge spectrum. From really good to horribly bad. I remember one time he told me he was going to buy me a human collar like just to take me outside as if I were a dog, because I was being curious and burned a small piece of carpet. Otherwise I was beaten and verbally harrassed by him. I always thought about running away. If I would have been older I probably would have done it.
His friend were ... weird to me at the time. One of them, I don't remember his name, had a girlfriend what would tell me to lose weight everytime I saw her. I would think to myself "that'll happen when you stop opening your legs". I remember several times me my mother and her CL husband, Lawrence would have to stay with him for a while. We'd probably lost our home or something.

My mother made a lot of stupid decisions. She was really into her life when I was growing up. Several times I came home from school and no one would be around. We didn't have a phone, (sometimes we did) so no call of where she was. I'd be home alone for hours into the night. It was scary for a 9 year old such as myself. If I had asked to go out (like I do now and have to literally beg) she did, and would have said yes probably just to get me out of the house I think. I don't know where her recent overprotectiveness has come from, but it was never there before. Since I turned 16 and told her that I'm sexually active, she's tightened the leash a lot more. I guess she doesn't want me to be like her, but I think from watching her stupid immature antics (can you tell I'm still angry?) I'm a whole lot smarter at 16 than she was at 30 or so.

My cousin, Steven, and I were like friends. All cousins should be friends right? Yeah I thought so too. I too, like many girls/women, thought maybe I'd done something whorish to make him think I wanted to be molested by him. I didn't. I felt bad when I felt I told on him. No one really believed me anyway so it didn't matter to me after a while. This lead to me being a whole lot more shy. I didn't really talk to anyone. But I had a want for something more in life. Then we moved to Texas.

Texas was supposed to be like the best place ever. My mom decided to move here where my aunts and grandmother live... probably because she didn't have anyone else, Lawrence up and left (but called here looking for me and her a month later) a couple months before. Life here was better. There's no doubting that. This was... 11-13 and 14 years old>>
Skipping to my eighth grade and freshman year....

In november of my eighth grade year I met a guy. I'll never forget this guy I think. His name was Alex. I loved Alex soo much. He was "my first" real sexual experience. A week before we did it, he said "we don't need to do this, only if you want". I had to convince him that I wanted it. I just wanted to get being a "virgin" over with. I didn't see the point. I'm just glad I did it with him. We lasted for 5 months and that was an eternity to me. I broke up with him a week after my birthday because I didn't feel like he was giving me enough attention. I felt horrible, he was crying. I wish I hadn't have done it, but I was mad. Me breaking up with him began a weird stage of my life. Before and a little bit into the summer of '05 I was "badd" haha. I began sleeping with one of my best friend's brothers. I thought he liked me, but in the end it didn't matter. She found out and we stopped talking. Once, I even went to a hotel with a 21 year old guy I met and slept with him. I was only 15 years old. I was so confused and just doing stuff to do it. I think I stopped when my other best friend's mom's boyfriend tried having sex with me and I refused (that was a first; he will come back up in this story so.. his name is Luis).

I stopped having sex for a while, because I met someone.. his name was Juan. Juan was like seriously a "dream-boy" to me. He was sweet and funny and half hispanic. The sucky thing about him is that he lives in Oregon, and O-town and Texas are NOT close. So we stuck to talking on the phone for hours at a time almost everyday. We talked about everything.
Then he introduced me to his best friend Ricky. I don't know why but me and Juan stopped talking and I started talking to Ricky. Ricky and I stopped talking and I just gave up on guys I guess..
Now we're at freshman year second semester.
March 7, 2006- my sixteenth. I walk into my house and theres a guy standing there. He jumps out my window. My house is totally upside down. It was horrible.
We moved two weeks later to Plano. I kind of hated it. The school that is. I figure I had to make up some kind of fun for myself seeing as I left all my friends and my family's farther away.
So it definitely took me a longgg time but in sophomore year end of first semester (around Christmastime) my best friend calls me (at the time she lived in Oregon with family and her baby, Carina) and tells me to talk to her boyfriend- Hionjer (pronounced yonjel) and his friend, Gerson- (pronounced Herson). I didn't think anything of it, and ended up getting a spanish language exercise because neither one speak english lol. They wanted me to come with them to this club called 2009 (its a latin club) and go dancing. I said yes. Haha. It was the best fun I'd had in the longestttt time. Then around 230 or 3 in the morning we were going back to their apartment because I knew I wouldn't be able to go home at that hour (I brought clothes so my mom said I could "stay with Mariana" thats where she thought I'd be lol). I was drunk and not paying attention so I gave in to having sex. Then Hionjer came in, I didn't know what the hell he was doing-atfirst. I was soo out of it that I ended up in a 3-some that I couldn't get out of. I also didn't think Hionjer was wearing any protection.. I felt horrible and have yet to tell my best friend. Then Gerson kept asking me out. I gave into that too. I didn't know he'd be a sexaholic. He literally needs it. I don't know if thats true or not but he... I don't know it's hard to say no.
Then a couple weeks ago, I felt like doing something bad, so I went to Gerson's friends' house. (This is where Luis comes back) Luis and Marlon invited me over, helped me get drunk, and out of my clothing. I shouldn't have been drunk. I had been thinking I was pregnant from before, but especially after this time, I really did think this. I slept with my boyfriend the next night. My boobs were really sore for the next two weeks and I missed my period so I still thought that I was pregnant.
And now...
I've been having bad cramps and bleeding so I won't know what's going on until Thursday at my doctor.

Wow that was long.
I'm going to sleep.